Summary

Key Quotes

Already know that + better idea

Thanks. You've given me something to think about

Thank you, I had never considered that

Successful people are blind to how their behavior affects others. Four beliefs—I have/can/will/choose to succeed—create cognitive dissonance that blocks change. Twenty interpersonal habits hold leaders back: winning too much, adding too much value, passing judgment, starting with "no," refusing to express regret. The fix: feedback (confidential 360 reviews), then stopping the behavior. Most fixes aren't new skills—they're stopping what's already hurting you. The missing belief is "I choose to change."

Key Takeaways

Notes

1: The trouble with success

1: You are here

• Unaware of our behavior’s effects on others
• How to fix:
  • pointing them out
  • showing impact on others
  • slight behavioral tweak

2: Enough about you

• It’s all about feedback, instruction

3: The success delusion

• 4 beliefs of successful people;
  • I have succeeded: skills
  • I can succeed: confidence
  • I will succeed: motivation, optimism
  • I choose to succeed: free choice
• Also need “I choose to change”
• Cognitive dissonance: beliefs ↔︎ reality
• Superstition: correlation vs causation
• Natural law: what’s in it for me?
• Motives behind self interest: money, power, status, popularity

2: 20 habits holding you back

4: What to stop

• Themes:
  • Information compulsion
  • Information + emotion
• winning too much
  • Over-competitive: need to be winner
• adding too much value
  • Need to add opinion to everything
  • “Already know that + better idea”
  • Your idea → my idea
  • Need to make other people better
• passing judgement
  • Take advice without judging
  • “Thanks. You’ve given me something to think about”
• making destructive comments
  • All do it, but 15% too much
  • Is it true → is it worth it
  • Will it help X? Person, company, client
• starting with “no”, “but”, “however”
  • “Here’s an alternative opinion”
• showing the world how smart we are
  • Never “I already knew that”
  • “Thank you”
• speaking when angry
  • Can’t expect others to change
  • Just don’t speak
• negativity, even when not asked
  • Trust others’ self judgement
  • Increase floor traffic your way
• refusal to share info (for advantage)
  • Gaining power → breeding mistrust
  • Over-share, over-communicate
• failing to give proper recognition
  • Shift focus to others
• claiming credit we don’t deserve
  • Results in most hatred
  • If there’s any way other person thinks they deserve it, proceed with caution
• making excuses
  • Simply never
  • Don’t stereotype yourself
  • Growth mindset
• clinging to the past
  • No “when I was your age”
• playing favorites
  • Have to acknowledge tendency for playing favorites
  • Rank direct reports by:
    • how much you think they like you
    • contribution to company
    • how much positive personal recognition do you give them?
  • ↑ evaluate 1 ↔︎ 3 vs 2 ↔︎ 3
• refusing to express regret
  • “I’m sorry”
  • Put all your cards in someone else’s hands → autonomy
  • Ask for help
• not listening
  • Be an engaged, active listener
• failing to express gratitude
  • “Thank you, I had never considered that”
• punishing the messenger
  • “Thank you”
• passing the buck (blame)
  • Loses respect
• an excessive need to be me
  • It’s about what others think of you

5: Goal obsession

• At expense of larger mission
• Leads to short-sightedness

3: How to change

6: Feedback

• Confidential 360 feedback: best way to get feedback in an organization
• Failed past vs positive future
• 4 requests / commitments for feedback:
  • let go of the past
  • tell the truth
  • be supportive + helpful, not cynical
  • pick something to improve yourself
    • Creates parody, bond
• Johari window: we can learn from others
• Observational feedback: note what others say about you and find trends
• Pay attention to self-aggrandizing and self-deprecating remarks

7: Apologizing

• “I’m sorry. I’ll try to do better”
• Get in and get out ASAP, no rationalizing

8: Advertising

• Tell people you’re trying to change
• Ask people for ideas
• Keep telling people
• 7 phases of a project:
  • Assess situation
  • Isolating the problem
  • Formulating
  • Get approval from superiors
  • Get approval from peers
  • Get direct reports to accept
  • Implementation
• Need 4-6 so solicit input

9: Listening

• Think before you speak
• Listen with respect: total engagement
• Ask: is it worth it?

10: Thanking

• Identity 25 people who have helped most and express gratitude thru a letter

11: Following up

• “How am I doing?”
• Hawthorne effect: get a coach

12: Practicing feed forward

• 4 step process:
  • pick one positive change to make
  • describe objective 1-1 with friend
  • ask for 2 suggested changes
  • write down suggestions
• Paste tense → future perfect

4: Pulling out the stops

13: Changing the rules

• might not be behavioral (or even you)
• pick the right thing to change
  • Short game (small things like behavior) > long game (big things like strategy)
• don’t delude yourself
  • Time, effort, distractions, rewards, maintenance
• don’t hide from truth you need to hear
• there is no ideal
  • Can’t be best at everything
• measure it
• monetize
• the best time is now

14: Special challenges for people in charge

• Create a “how to work with me” doc
• What’s good for you isn’t for everyone else
  • Can’t debate as manager
• Know what people want
  • 20s learn → 30s advance → 40s rule
• Some people don’t / can’t change