Summary

Ichiro Kishimi uses a fictional conversation to describe Adlerian psychology and makes the argument for it against Freudian psychology. He emphasizes present goals / teleology over past experience / etiology and how emotions are subjective and controllable, thus denying trauma altogether. All problems are interpersonal relationship problems but don’t fall victim to the pursuit of superiority. Freedom is self-acceptance and living life according to your own principles and not worrying about others. Happiness is the feeling of contribution - only you can assign meaning.

“Being disliked by someone is proof you are exercising your freedom and that you are living in accordance with your own principles”

Key Takeaways

• Adlerian vs Freudian psychology / teleology vs etiology: life determined by future goals with room for change vs basis on trauma, nihilism, determinism
• Life style / personality is entirely malleable and self-determined
• All problems are interpersonal relationship problems
• Self-acceptance: focus on what you can change, not what you cannot
• Happiness: feeling of contribution (only you can assign meaning)

Notes

1: Introduction

• Core tenants:
  • People can change
  • The world is simple
  • Everyone can be happy
• “There is no way to escape subjectivity”
• Can assign whatever perspective we want to life. Complex, simple. Good, bad.
• Community feeling
  • Key to Adlerian: all relationships should be horizontal, not hierarchical / vertical

2: Deny trauma

• The unknown third giant
  • Freud, Jung, and Adler
  • Adler: influenced 7 habits by Covey, How to win friends and influence people Carnegie
• People can change
  • Adlerian psychology: if past determines future, than it is deterministic
  • Present goals, not past causes
• Trauma does not exist
  • Etiology vs teleology: the study of the purpose of why something happens (goals)
  • We’re all living according to some goal. For many, it’s comfort → hence not wanting to change
• People fabricate anger
  • Anger is a means to a goal
  • Shouting in attempt to gain submission
• Live without being controlled by the past
  • We are not controlled by either emotion or the past
  • Diametrically opposed to nihilism
• Socrates and Adler
  • Hold dialog, arrive at own conclusions (don’t regurgitate)
• Are you okay just as you are?
  • Focus on what you can make of your life, not what you were born with
  • Keep moving forward so you can accept + love yourself
• Unhappiness is something you choose
• People always choose not to change
  • Personality → lifestyle / worldview (not fixed, chosen)
  • Lifestyle: tendencies of thought and action in life - personality, world view, life outlook
• Your life is decided here and now
  • Deferring is an excuse to keep open possibility of achieving goal rather than reaching decisive conclusion

3: All problems are interpersonal

• Why you dislike yourself
  • Encouragement: except yourself now and live with the consequences of
• All problems are interpersonal relationship problems
• Feelings of inferiority are subjective assumptions
  • Value based on social context
• An inferiority complex is an excuse
  • Pursuit of superiority: constant desire to self-improve, striving and growth
• Braggarts have feelings of inferiority
  • Inferiority, superiority complex
  • Bragging about misfortune → worry others + control them (use to their advantage)
• Life is not a competition
  • Other people are inherently different from us, no point in direct comparison
• You are the only one worrying about your appearance
  • Can’t trust people when competing
  • Can celebrate others’ happiness
  • View everyone as your comrades
• From power struggle to revenge
  • Personal attacks are power struggles
• Admitting fault is not defeat
  • Never convince yourself you’re right - working through it together not argument
• Overcoming the tasks that face you in life
  • Objectives for behavior: be self reliant, live in harmony with society
  • Objectives for psychology: I have the ability, other people are my comrades
  • Life tasks: tasks of work, friendship, and love (social ties)
• Red string and rigid chains
  • In non-work relationships, must be equals and trusted for it to last
• Don’t fall for the life lie
  • When you want to end a relationship, all character flaws in other person will be revealed until repulsed away
• Psychology of possession → practice
  • “Confidence to overcome inferiority complex”

4: Discard other people’s tasks

• Deny the desire for recognition
  • “Money is coined freedom”
  • Freedom is not necessarily money
  • Money is not happiness as freedom is not interpersonal relationships
• Don’t live to satisfy others’ expectations
  • “If you’re not living your life, then who’s going to live it for you?”
  • The Status Game
• How to separate tasks
  • All interpersonal relationship problems are a result of intruding on other’s tasks (autonomy)
  • Don’t intrude on other’s tasks
• Discard other people’s tasks
  • Makes life simpler
• How to rid yourself of relationship problems
  • Separation of tasks: don’t concern yourself with the tasks of others
  • Freedom from others tasks
• Cut the Gordian knot
• Desire for recognition makes you unfree
  • Desire for recognition = don’t want to be disliked by anyone
• Freedom is being disliked
  • “Being disliked by someone is proof you are exercising your freedom and that you are living in accordance with your own principles”
• You hold the cards to interpersonal relationships

5: Where the center of the world is

• Individual psychology and holism
  • No separation of mind/body, conscious/unconscious etc.
• Goal of relationships: sense of community
  • Source of all problems but also source of all happiness
• Why am I only interested in myself?
  • Concern for others > attachment to self
• You are not the center of the world
  • Community feeling: a sense of others (humans, all of universe) as comrades
• Listen to the voice of a larger community
  • Identifying wholly with one community leaves one vulnerable to abandonment
  • There is always a larger community in which your quarrel is irrelevant
• Do not rebuke or praise (carrot or stick)
  • Praise: aspect of passing judgement of person of ability to that of no ability
    • Unconscious hierarchical relation
  • Horizontal relationship: Equal but not the same (vs hierarchical / vertical)
  • ALL relationships should be treated as horizontal - “encouragement”
• The encouragement approach
  • Encouragement: regaining courage to complete one’s own tasks
• How to feel you have value
  • Sense of worth = of value to others / your community
• Exist in the present
  • Be grateful simply for others’ existence
• People cannot make proper use of self
  • Strive to make all relationships horizontal, can’t mix types

6: To live in earnest in the here and now

• Excessive self-consciousness stifles the self
• Not self-affirmation, self-acceptance
  • Self-acceptance: focus on what you can change, not what you cannot
• Trust vs confidence
  • Confidence: unconditional trust
  • Deep relationships are built on confidence (motley fool)
• Work is contribution to the common good
  • Work therefore primary sense of worth
• Young people walk ahead of adults
• Workaholism is a life lie
  • Avoiding other issues by using work as an excuse (life lacks harmony)
• You can be happy now
  • Happiness = the feeling of contribution
• Two paths travelled by those wanting to be “special beings”
• The courage to be normal
  • Accept normalcy, not necessarily especially good or bad
• Life is a series of moments
  • Life is series of present moments, not continuous line that can be planned
• Live like you’re dancing
  • Kinetic vs energile motion: journey is more important than destination
• Shine a light on the here and now
• The greatest life lie
  • Not live life in the here and now
• Give meaning to seemingly meaningless life
  • Only you can assign meaning to your own life