Summary

Feedback fails not because givers are bad at it but because receivers block it through truth, relationship, and identity triggers. The fix is learning to pull feedback rather than waiting to be pushed, separating the three types (appreciation, coaching, evaluation), understanding your own emotional wiring (baseline, swing, recovery), and cultivating a growth identity that treats mistakes as data rather than verdicts. Drawing boundaries is equally critical: the ability to say no to feedback is what makes saying yes meaningful.

“What do you see me doing or failing to do that's getting in my own way?”

“We’re entering a world that increasingly rewards individual aspiration and persistence, and can measure precisely who is contributing and who is not. If you are self-motivated - wow, this world is tailored for you.” ~ Thomas Freedman

Key Takeaways

Notes

1: Introduction

• Feedback: originated by Industrial Revolution in 1860s, workplace after WWII
• More important to encourage pull (receiving) than push (giving) feedback
• “We’re entering a world that increasingly rewards individual aspiration and persistence, and can measure precisely who is contributing and who is not. If you are self-motivated - wow, this world is tailored for you.” - Thomas Freedman

The feedback challenge

1: 3 triggers that block feedback

• Truth triggers: content is deemed untrue
• Relationship triggers: credibility of or treatment by feedback giver
• Identity triggers: feedback causes identity to become undone
• The process:
  1. Separate 3 types of feedback
  2. Fully understand feedback
  3. See your blind spots
  4. Don’t switch-track (action → relationship)
  5. Identify the relationship system
  6. Learn individual wiring / temperament
  7. Dismantle distortions
  8. Cultivate a growth identity

Truth triggers

2: Separate 3 types of feedback

• How you’re hearing what’s being said
• 3 types of feedback:
  1. Appreciation: motivates, encourages
  2. Coaching: increases knowledge + skill, raises feelings in relationship
  3. Evaluation: comparison, align expectations, informs decision-making
• 3 qualities of good feedback:
  1. Specific: task-specific
  2. Must come in the form the receiver values, hears clearly
  3. Authentic
• Coaching and evaluation often confused
• Get aligned: know the purpose + discuss it
  1. What’s my purpose in giving, receiving this feedback?
  2. Is it the right purpose from my POV?
  3. Is it the right purpose from the other person’s POV?

3: First understand

• Feedback arrives as generic labels
• ↑ giver and receiver perceive differently
• Ask where the feedback is coming from
  • Data: observations + interpretations
• “All advice is autobiographical”
• Ask where the feedback is going
  • Ask forward-looking questions
• Shift: wrong-spotting → difference-spotting
• Biases drive data collection
• Differences in interpretation:
  • Implicit rules (eg. friendly vs direct)
  • We’re always the hero in our minds
  • Ask what’s right
• “I admit there are some parts that don’t fit with my understanding. I’m confused but glad I have you here to help.”

4: See your blind spots

• Gap between self-perception and others’ stories about us
• Theory of mind: cues beyond words
  • Facial expressions, tone of voice, patterns of behavior
• 3 blind-spot amplifiers:
  • Emotional math: blind to own emotions, amplify / project for others
  • Situation vs character: action vs identity
  • Impact-intent gap: others only judge impact / action, not intent / values
• Use your reaction as a blind-spot alert
• “What do you see me doing or failing to do that’s getting in my own way?”
• Get a second opinion
• Honest vs supportive mirrors: specify
• Record yourself

Relationship triggers

5: Don’t switch-track

• Switch-track: two diverging topics of conversation (unaware)
• Two triggers:

1. What we think about the giver:
   • Skill or judgement: when, where, how
   • Credibility: outsider often better
   • Trust:
2. How we feel treated by the giver:
   • Appreciation: off-balance big picture
   • Autonomy: discuss boundaries
   • Acceptance: no immunity from critique

• Process to resolve:

1. Spot the two topics
2. Signposting: call it out, break the flow
3. Give each topic its own track, signpost

• Listen out for relationship issues hidden within “advice”

6: Identify the relationship system

• Systems → both people always implicated
• 3 steps back:

1. You + me intersections:
   • Eg. British vs American accent
2. Role clashes:
   • Eg. manager and subordinate
3. Big picture: other players, processes, etc.

• Systems approach enhances accountability
• Joint contribution: take responsibility for your part
  • Don’t be a blame absorber, shifter
• “Here’s what would help me change…”

Identity Triggers

7: Learn individual wiring, temperament

• Baseline → swing → sustain / recovery
• Baseline happiness is highly heritable (50%)
• Swing: reactiveness, magnitude
• Recovery: how long to return to baseline
• Happiness: 50% genetic, 40% interpretation + response, 10% conditions
• Thoughts + feelings = story
  • Confabulation: each controls the other at different times
• In general, strong feelings push us towards strong interpretations
• Reflecting on past: “you get what you Google” - can validate any story thru past

8: Dismantle distortions

1. Be prepared, mindful
   • Know your feedback footprint
   • Inoculate yourself against the worst
   • Slow down, notice what’s happening
2. Separate the strands
   • What do I feel? (physically)
   • What was said? (facts only)
   • What’s the story? (assumptions)
3. Contain the story
   • Time, specificity, people
   • Balance: what’s it about vs not about?
4. Change your vantage point
   • Observer, from the future, comedy
5. Accept you can’t control how others see you
   • Have compassion for them

9: Cultivate a growth identity

• Simple → complex labels
• 3 things to accept:
  1. You will make mistakes
  2. You have complex intentions
  3. You have contributed to the problem
• Don’t confuse coaching with evaluation
• 3 components of evaluation:
  1. Assessment: facts, where you stand
  2. Consequences: what that means
  3. Judgement: how you judge / frame it
• Give yourself a second score: based on how you reacted to feedback

Feedback in conversation

10: Draw boundaries

• Ability to turn down, away feedback is critical to healthy relationships, learning
• 3 boundaries:
  1. “I may not take your advice”
  2. “I don’t want feedback about that subject, not right now”
  3. “Stop, or I will leave the relationship”
• When to draw boundaries:
  1. Attacking character, not behavior
  2. Unrelenting
  3. They take the relationship hostage
  4. Warning or making a threat?
  5. Always you who has to change?
  6. Are your views a legitimate part of the relationship?
• Where boundaries help:
  1. The constant critic
  2. Hate-love-hate relationships
  3. Renovation relationship: feedback too demanding, other side not legit part
• Turning away feedback with grace, honesty:
  1. Be transparent
  2. Be firm, and appreciative: appreciate intentions, but be firm in request
  3. Affirm relationship
  4. But → and
  5. Be specific about your request
  6. Describe consequences

11: Navigate the conversation

• Arc: open → body → close
• Clarify purpose, check status:
  1. Is this feedback? If so, what kind?
  2. Who decides? (agreement needed?)
  3. Is this final or negotiable?
• Study: harsh first 3 minutes → bad outcome 96% of the time
• 4 skills for body of conversation:

1. Listening: clarify, paraphrase, acknowledge
   • Prepare to listen
   • Be intensely curious
   • Let them know you want to understand
   • Question to understand, not persuade
2. Asserting: share, advocate, express
   • “I’m right” → “here’s what’s left out”
   • “I disagree” avoid arguing truth
3. Process moves: shift to right direction
   • Part of vs managing the conversation
   • Observe process, not content
4. Problem solving: decisions; now what?
   • Dig for underlying interests
   • Generate options

• 3 sources of interest: to help…
  • You
  • Themselves + relationship
  • Org, team, someone else
• Close with commitment

12: Take action on feedback

• “What’s one thing I’m doing that gets in my own way?”
• Look for themes
• “What’s one thing I could do that’d make a big difference for you?”
• Try it on / out
• Make it a game
• Tie yourself to the mast
• Recognize the J curve: down before up
• Coach your coach
• Discuss preferences, roles, mutual expectations
• Best to have coach who’s isolated from compensation etc. (not your manager)
• Asking for feedback deepens relationship
• “What do you see me doing that is disabling people?”

13: Pull together

• No perfect performance review system
• Relationship between giver and receiver is most important confounding variable
• Talk tradeoffs: include drawbacks, not just benefits of review system
• Separate types of feedback
• Promote a culture of learning:
  • Highlight learning stories
  • Cultivate growth identities
  • Discuss second scores / comebacks
  • Create multitrack / informal feedback
  • Leverage positive social norming
• What leaders can do:
  • Model learning, request coaching
  • Manage your own mindset, identity
  • Beware of individual differences and how they collide

19: Shadow 1916

• Brutality of WWI
• No redemption in sacrifice
• Niche: erosion of morality without religion
• Communist Russia