Summary

Rejection Proof is Rejection Therapy: 100 days of rejection, making big requests, and noticing that nothing negative often really comes from rejection. Jiang separates the request from the self. Rejection is human, rejection is an opinion, and rejection has a number – given enough attempts, will always get a yes.

The playbook is simple: ask why, retreat, don’t run, collaborate, don’t contend, and switch up, don’t give up. Explain your why up front, target the right person, acknowledge doubts honestly, and keep high intention, low attachment. Rejection becomes motivation, feedback, empathy, serendipity, and ultimately the freedom to ask without needing approval.

"we wanted them to see how we see, and think how we think, but instead they disagreed and judged our way of looking at the world as inferior"

"Targeting is everything"

"Never waste any rejection"

Key Takeaways

Notes

1: Meeting rejection

• Startup to track promises
• Rejection Therapy → 100 days of rejection
• #1: ask a stranger for $100
• Got so anxious when the stranger asked “why?” he didn’t take the opportunity
• #2: ask for a burger refill
• How you ask the question + the way you follow through impacts the result

2: Fighting rejection

• #3: ask for Olympic ring donuts
• See the world as full of possibilities
• Courage to make big requests
• #4 deliver pizza as a volunteer delivery man
• #5 grocery store warehouse tour
• #6 ask to play soccer in a stranger’s backyard
• Confident, friendly, open significantly improves odds

3: Tasting fame

• Olympic donuts → global fame → invite from Tony Shea to start speaking gig
• Most people conform to norms because they’re afraid of rejection
• “A need to great it’s shared by most of the planet”

4: Battling evolution

• 3 burning questions:
  1. Why don’t we talk about rejection more?
  2. Why is rejection so painful?
  3. Why do we fear rejection so much?
• Failure vs rejection: treated differently
• Rejection: “we wanted them to see how we see, and think how we think, but instead they disagreed and judged our way of looking at the world as inferior”
  • Feels deeply personal
• Brain releases opioids after pain of social rejection, just like physical pain
• Fear of social rejection no longer make sense (by in large) in our modern world
  • Maladaptive
• Comfort challenge: ask flight attendant if you can volunteer to read the safety announcements
• Humor, laughter, singing, dancing all reduce pain and stress
• In reality, nothing negative often really comes from rejection

5: Rethinking rejection

• People can react to the same request very differently: relationship system
• Someone’s reaction to a request reveals much more about them then about you or the request itself
• Rejection is human ↑
• Rejection is an opinion
• Eg. offering apples to strangers outside a grocery store
• Many famous authors rejected 50+ times before picked up by a publisher
• ↑ normalize. Given enough attempts, will always get a yes
• Rejection has a number ↑

6: Taking a no

• Ask why → explanation + referral
  • Clears up misunderstanding on their motivation
• Assess and take a new approach
  • Eg. ask for something less (Influence people don’t want to feel like jerks)
• Treat as collaborators, not adversaries
  • Explain your problem, ask to work thru together
• Step back, try again under different circumstances / environment

7: Positioning for yes

• Explain your why up front
  • Response deeply influenced if there’s a why behind (63% → 94%)
• ↑ even better: about their interests + needs, not yours
  • But still start with “I” - don’t sound disingenuous / break trust
• Acknowledge their doubts
  • Eg. “is that weird?”
  • Conveys honesty, empathy
• “Targeting is everything”

8: Giving a no

• Patience + respect
  • Do with a smile
• Be direct
  • No “yes, but”s or “unfortunately”
• Offer alternatives
  • Rejecting request, not rejecting person (make it clear)

9: Finding upside

• Motivation
  • Eg. MJ, Brady, Jobs
• Use as a tool to learn, adapt, improve
  • Eg. customer feedback
• Remember: creativity is often met with rejection
  • Eg. The Innovator’s Dilemma
  • Reframe: is my idea worthy of rejection?
• Attitude: have the courage to step back and look at it differently

10: Finding meaning

• Meaning is intrinsic
  • Eg. Make DC Smile signs
• Empathy vs sympathy
  • Visceral lived experience vs imagined
• What would I be willing to be rejected 100 times for?
  • Antithetical to fail-fast culture?
• Find empathy, find value, find mission

11: Finding freedom

• Parable of Alexander the Great and the Indian Gymnosophists
  • Lived in different paradigms
  • Conquering the world vs abstinence from worldly pleasures
  • Both conquering the world
    • Collective objective outer world
    • Individual subjective inner world
  • ↑ most profound breakthroughs happen at the intersection
• Requests create opportunities for serendipity
• Not afraid anymore
• Most important lessons:
  1. Rejection is human (subjective)
  2. Rejection is opinion
  3. Rejection has a #
  4. Ask why
  5. Retreat, don’t run
  6. Collaborate, don’t contend
  7. Switch up, don’t give up (motivation)
• Constant approval seeking is bad
  • We become inauthentic, lose track of who we were meant to be
• Freedom to ask, accept yourself

12: Finding power

• Honest sales: “can I promote something to you?”
• High intention, low attachment
• Effort > results
• Eg. getting a job at Google
  • Network with dozens of current + ex Googlers
  • Be authentic, upfront with intentions
  • “Never waste any rejection”