Summary

Friendship is based purely on compatibility so invest in who you get along with most and accept that others will be low-dose friends. Take the initiative by expressing effort and doing your research. Leverage propinquity and the mere exposure effect. Be authentic and vulnerable using progressive identity. Resolve conflict tactfully and view it not as a personal attack but a chance for honest feedback. Generosity is a currency of money and time and has an outsized payoff. Affection deepens all relationships so be intentional and shower others in it.

Key Takeaways

• Low-dose friend: some friends better off as less intimate
• Mere exposure effect: being around someone makes you like them more
• Progressive identity: share while ensuring person always has an accurate view of you, never over-sharing unimportant vulnerabilities, matching their level
• Authenticity: not unkept emotion but unguarded identity, matching inner self

Notes

1: Looking back

1: How friendship transforms our lives

• Large social network better indicator of health, lifespan than exercise, nutrition
• Unlike other relationships, friendship is based purely on compatibility
• “What we try to suppress defines us”
• Friendship promotes empathy
• Shows other ways of living
• Inclusion of others in self
• Oxytocin: social hormone promoting generosity, happiness in general

2: How past relationships affect our present

• Attachment style: secure, anxious, avoid
• Explicitly state desire to start friendship
• Attachment style is self-reinforcing, need to consciously break out of cycle

2: Looking forward

3: Take initiative

• Take initiative, don’t worry about rejection
  • Express effort, intent by following up
  • Do your research: use social media as lubricant for in-person interaction
• Assume people like you
  • Confidence, positive self-image reinforce depth of relationship
  • Studies show we systematically underestimate how much we are liked
• Mere exposure effect: being around someone tends to make you like them more
  • Propinquity: physical proximity is best indicator of future friendship
• ↑ take advantage by joining groups, not going to individual events

4: Express vulnerability

• Vulnerability is a construct unique to the individual
• Vulnerability more effective when showing genuine emotion
• Suppression leads to clouded cognitive function, degraded self image
• People like vulnerable people more
• Progressive identity: ensure person always has an accurate view of you, never over sharing unimportant vulnerabilities
• Match other person’s level, don’t go deeper if no reciprocation
• Evolved to be social and cooperate

5: Pursue authenticity

• Authenticity: not unkept emotion but unguarded identity, matching inner self
• Some debate as to how much authenticity actually exists
• Need to be secure about own identity first
• Don’t take rejection personally, sign that meaningful relationships will be deeper

6: Harmonize with anger

• Address issue with hope rather than despair or by ignoring, letting fester
• To resolve argument, frame as problem working on together rather than division
  • Make both personal opinions clear
• See mistakes as normal, not attack on character
• Conflict is the only time to get honest feedback so value it
• Prime by saying how much you value friendship, ask for their perspective, ask clarifying questions
• Rephrase concern to understand, validate concern, care by providing ideas to improve
• Ensure resolution, no resentment
• Low-dose friend: some friends better off as less intimate, not everyone is a best friend
• Generosity has an outsized value

7: Offer generosity

• Generosity: currency of either money / time
• Enlightened self interest: our own interests become aligned with the interests of others
• The most generous people aren’t afraid to ask for favors in return as it fuels them
• Communal relationship: give benefits in response to general needs of other
• When saying no, explain other priorities clearly
• Intentional generosity:
• Ideas:
  • Send cards
  • Teach them a skill
  • Offer to connect them with others
  • Buy gifts
  • Venmo to “treat yourself”

8: Give affection

• Social media has caused a loose tie culture
• Romantic and sexual attraction are not the same
  • Result of modern homophobia
• Affection increases closeness at all levels
• Show you like them: compliments, appreciation, proudness, physical affection
• Overestimate awkwardness, underestimate gratitude of affection / gesture
• Ideas:
  • How much they mean to you
  • How happy you are to hear from them
  • Tell them the good news
  • Compliment, praise
  • Greet warmly
  • When you think of them in passing
  • Tell others how great they are
  • Develop rituals