Summary

Negotiation isn't rational problem-solving – it's emotional intelligence applied tactically. Tactical empathy (labeling emotions, mirroring, calibrated questions) gives you leverage because people need to feel understood before they'll move. "No" is the start of negotiation, not the end – it makes people feel safe and in control. Calibrated questions ("How am I supposed to do that?") force the other side to solve your problems. The Ackerman model anchors effectively. Black swans – unknown unknowns about the other side's situation – are where the real leverage hides.

“He who has learned to disagree without being disagreeable has discovered the most valuable secret of negotiation”

Key Takeaways

Notes

1: The new rules

• Humans aren’t rational, eg. loss aversion
• “Life is negotiation”
• Negotiation: gather info, influence behavior
• Negotiation: communication with results

2: Be a mirror

• Keep them talking: build trust and safety
• FM DJ voice: slow, calm, down inflection
  • Others: positive playful, assertive
• Isopraxism: unconscious mirroring, ↑
  • Repeating last 1-3 words
• Voice, “sorry”, mirror, 4+ secs of silence
• Mirroring (1-3 words) forces rewording
• Don’t commit to assumptions

3: Don’t feel their pain, label it

• Identify and influence emotions
• Tactical empathy: listen, understand, respect
• Label: emotions, eg. “it seems you’re scared”
• Accusation audit: anticipate, say the worst things they’ll think to encourage empathy

4: Beware yes, master no

• No creates safety, security, autonomy
• Start with no to determine boundaries
• Counterfeit vs commitment yes
• Fundraising: no → yes 23% better vs start with yes (eg. are we on right track)
• “Have you given up on this project?”

5: Trigger “That’s right”

• Summarize their story, “is that right?”

6: Bend their reality

• Don’t compromise
• Deadlines trigger action: tell your adversary
• “Fair”: most powerful word
• “Fair?” if clarification is needed
• “Please let me know if I’m not treating you fairly at any time”
• Prospect theory: eg. loss aversion
• Anchor emotions by downplaying expectations (eg. you’re going to think this is a terrible idea but)
• Salary negotiations:
  • Be pleasantly persistent on non-salary terms (no → more salary increase)
  • Spark their interest in your success (valued their own success, mentor)

7: Create the illusion of control

• Can’t have tit-for-tat dynamic
• Let them solve your problem instead
• Make the favor seem like their idea
  • “how do I know they’re alright?”
• How and what, not why (accusatory)
• “He who has learned to disagree without being disagreeable has discovered the most valuable secret of negotiation”
• Powerful questions:
  • “How am I supposed to do that?”
  • “How would you like me to proceed?”
  • “How can we solve this problem?”
  • “What is the objective here?”
  • “It seems like you pride yourself on being fair. Is this fair?”
• Calibrated questions: open-ended questions to buy time (eg. how, why)
  • Provides an illusion of control
  • Prevents use of a script

8: Guarantee execution

• Forced empathy:
  • “how am I supposed to do that?”
• 7/38/55 rule: 7% of message is words, 38% tone of voice, 55% body language + face
• Watch other 93% for incongruences
• Rule of 3: get “yes” commitment three different times to avoid counterfeit yes
• Say your own name: forced empathy
  • “My name is Chappy. What’s the Chappy discount?”
• Multi-step no: “I’m sorry… no”

9: Bargain hard

• Identify your bargaining style
  • Strengths + weaknesses
• Three categories:
  1. Accommodators: cooperative
  2. Assertive: respect, get things done
  3. Analysts: data loving
• Let them go first, else give extreme anchor
• Strategic umbrage: “I don’t see how that would ever work”
• Focus on issue, not person to prevent emotions spiraling, losing control
• Ackerman method:
  • Set target price
  • first offer is 65% of that
  • set 85%, 95%, 100% targets
  • use lots of empathy, different ways of saying no
  • use precise, non-round numbers
  • on final offer, add non-monetary item to show that’s your limit

10: Find the black swan

• “The black swan symbolizes the uselessness of predictions based on previous experience”
• Cannot be predicted
• Beginner mindset
• Don’t over rely on known knowns
• Leverage: ability to inflict loss, withhold gain
• Three types of leverage:
  1. Positive: control over others wants
  2. Negative: suffer, threat (loss aversion)
  3. Normative: point out difference between values and actions (religion)
• Similarity principle: build rapport
• Express passion for their goals, ability
• Give a reason (cutting line: 60% → 90%)
• Not crazy or irrational, just a different viewpoint and set of values
  • Understand and use to advantage