Summary

Lowndes treats conversation as a stack of deliberate signals: Flooding Smile, Sticky Eyes, Big–Baby Pivot, posture, and fidget control all answer the silent question, “well, how do you like me so far?” Make the answer feel like, “well, I really like you.” Match the other person’s mood, energy, tone of voice first, then use small talk hooks like Whatzit, Whoozat, Eavesdrop In, and Never the Naked City to keep them from doing imagination work.

The book’s operating system is you–first communication. Ask “How do you spend most of your time?” instead of the naked job question, shape your Nutshell Résumé around what benefits “the prospect,” use Comm–YOU–nication, echo their words and emotions, and create Instant History. Praise works best when specific, indirect, and scarce: Grapevine Glory, Implied Magnificence, Killer Compliment, and Tombstone Game all make people feel seen without sounding like flattery.

“their more skillful way of dealing with fellow human beings”

“Never unfairly challenge their powers of imagination”

“How do you spend most of your time?”

Key Takeaways

Notes

Introduction

• People who “have it all” boils down to “their more skillful way of dealing with fellow human beings”
• Improvements over How to Win Friends and Influence People:
  1. Practical how-to
  2. World is different

1: Body language

1: Flooding Smile

• More credible if slower to smile (~1 sec)
• Personalized, sincere, only for them

2: Sticky Eyes

• Eye contact → respect, fondness
• ↑ intelligence, abstract thinker

3: Epoxy Eyes

• Keep looking at target (as opposed to speaker)
• Useful for romance

4: Head up, shoulders back

• “Hang by your teeth” - straightens whole posture

5: The Big-Baby Pivot

• Body language subtly answers “well, how do you like me so far?”
• ↑ must be “well, I really like you”
• Full, welcoming attention to new speaker

6: Hello Old Friend

• Treat someone like they’re a good old friend - improves body language
• Self fulfilling prophecy

7: Limit the Fidget

• Fidgeting undermines credibility

8: Hans’s Horse Sense

• Pay close attention to others’ body language and adapt

9: Watch the Scene Before You Make the Scene

• Visualize the scene beforehand
• Visualize yourself as “a super somebody”

2: Small talk

10: Make a Mood Match

• Match your listener’s mood, energy, tone of voice to start
• Take a voice sample first
• Match first, if only for just a moment

11: Prosaic with Passion

• Sound exciting
• Empathetic mood, positive demeanor, passionate delivery > content

12: Always Wear a Whatzit

• Wear some unusual convo-starter
• Start convos by complimenting others’
• Eg. watch, jewelry

13: Whoozat

• Ask the party giver for an into to VIP
• Or pump them for a few facts

14: Eavesdrop In

• “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but overhear…” (even if flimsy)

15: Never the Naked City

• Add a sentence or two:
  • Give an interesting fact
  • Witty observation
• “Never unfairly challenge their powers of imagination”

16: Never the Naked Job

• Tell a story

17: Never the Naked Introduction

• Introduce someone with their “gift”

18: Be a Word Detective

• Why’d they pick that word? Dig in
• Unusual references to place, time, person

19: The Swiveling Spotlight

• Focus mostly on them

20: Parroting

• Parrot last 1-3 words
• Eg. how I’d want to talk about AGI

21: Encore!

• Shine the spotlight on someone else and their story
• Also allows you to sneak off

22: Accentuate positive, hide negative

• Dancing on skeletons in closet only for close friends

23: The Latest News... Don’t Leave Home Without It

3: Talk Like a VIP

24: What Do You Do – NOT!

• Don’t ask about job - awkward question for a lot of people
• Don’t come across as a ruthless networker
• “How do you spend most of your time?”

25: The Nutshell Résumé

• Prepare a dozen different responses to “what do you do?”
• What are the benefits to “the prospect”?
• How can my professional experience benefit this person’s life?

26: Your Personal Thesaurus

• Expand your vocab
• Pick 1 word / day and replace with a more interesting one
• Great → elegant, startling, ravishing

27: Kill the Quick “Me, Too!”

• Let them enjoy discussing their passion
• Then, let them discover your similarity
• But don’t wait too long

28: Comm-YOU-nication

• Everything thru “how does that affect me?”
• Eg. “can I take Friday off?” vs “can you do without me on Friday?”
• Eg. “where is” vs “could you tell me where…”
• Try and start all sentences with “you..”

29: The Exclusive Smile

• Tailor your smile + welcome of others, even if only slightly

30: Don’t use clichés

31: Use Jawsmith’s Jive

• “That joke was designed to get a silent laugh… and it worked”
• Microphone howl - “I don’t understand… I brushed my teeth this morning”
• Memorize great escape lines
• Make people laugh
  • Night before: search quote books for topic

32: Call a Spade a Spade

• No cutesy words
• “Wealthy” → “rich”
• “Knockers” → “breasts”

33: Trash the Teasing

• Never ever make a joke at someone else’s expense

34: It’s the Receiver’s Ball

• Deliver according to how receiver will receive it

35: The Broken Record

• When unwanted Q, repeat exact response in exact tone

36: Celebrities: Big Shots Don’t Slobber

• “X, I just want to tell you how much pleasure your wonderful films have given me over the years. Thank you so much”
  • Pleasure or insight
• Stick to present or recent work

37: Never the Naked Thank You

• Thank you for X

4: Be an Insider in Any Crowd

• Cursory knowledge, knowledgeable curiosity

38: Scramble Therapy

• Scramble up your life and do something new every other weekend

39: Learn a Little Jobbledygook

• It’s all about the opening question (serve)
• Eg. astronauts “what missions have you been on?” not “how do you go to the bathroom up there?”
• Ask 2 good questions and know the question not to ask

40: Baring Their Hot Button

• Ask a friend the hottest issues going on in the X world

41: Read Their Rags

• Learn insider lingo

42: Clear “Customs”

• Know local customs

43: Bluffing for Bargains

• Know the ropes so you don’t get ripped off
• If conversant in esoteric terms, assumes you know the best deal + rock bottom price

5: Instant Kinship

• Create sensations of similarity with everyone you wish

44: Be a Copyclass

• Watch how people move and match their style
• Eg. old vs new vs no money

45: Echoing

• Echo their precise words
• Eg. jobs vs professions vs gigs
• Eg. having vs keeping vs owning

46: Potent Imaging

• Invoke listener’s interests or lifestyle and weave images around it

47: Employ Empathizers

• “Uh huh” → “yes, that was the honorable thing to do”
• “I see you what you mean”
• “That’s a lovely thing to say”

48: Anatomically Correct Empathizers

• Eyes, ears, or gut empathizers
• Eg. that looks / sounds / feels right

49: The Premature We

• Cliches → facts → feelings / personal questions → we / us statements
• Simply use “we” prematurely

50: Instant History

• Develop inside stories + jokes
• Take a small story from a first encounter and turn it into a refrain ↑

6: Praise > Flattery

51: Grapevine Glory

• Speak well of people behind their back

52: Carrier Pigeon Kudos

• Become a carrier of compliments, relevant news for other people

53: Implied Magnificence

• Comments that pre-suppose something positive (indirect compliments)

54: Accidental Adulation

• Compliment as secondary point
• Eg. you’re probably too young to remember X, but…

55: Killer Compliment

• Comment on some very personal, specific quality
• Rules
  1. Deliver in private
  2. Credible
  3. Max 1 per 6 months

56: Little Strokes

• Let people know you appreciate them via small compliments
• “You look great”, “great job”, etc.

57: The Knee-Jerk “Wow!”

• Instant quick compliment

58: Boomeranging

• Boomerang back something along the lines of “that’s very kind of you”
• “Oh that’s so nice of you to tell me. I appreciate your positive feedback”

59: The Tombstone Game

• When all is said and done, what are you most proud of? What would you like the world to most remember about you? What would you want the world to see carved on your tombstone?
• ↑ chisel into your memory, then compliment them on that verbatim

7: Phone Personality

60: Talking Gestures

• People lose 30% of their energy level on the phone
• Exaggerate
• More verbal affirmations
• Verbal smile, eg. “oh wow that’s funny!”

61: Name Shower

• “It’s like yanking the person into the room with you”

62: “Oh Wow, It’s You!”

• Start with “oh wow, it’s you” then “I’m so glad you called” (delayed smile)

63: The Sneaky Screen

• Have your EA say “I’ll put you right through, …”, even if strict screen

64: Salute the Spouse

• All spouses + secretaries have influence too - treat them well

65: What Color Is Your Time?

• Red, yellow, or green
• Always begin by asking the person about timing: “is now a convenient time to talk?”

66: Constantly Changing Outgoing Message

• Voicemail message (lmao)
• Short, sweet, no bells and whistles

67: Your Ten-Second Audition

• Confidence, clarity, credibility
• Also: entice, entertain, interest

68: The Ho-Hum Caper

• “is he/she in?” more casual

69: “I Hear Your Other Line”

• Wish happy holidays per-country

70: Instant Replay

• Don’t fumble on the phone
• Record calls

8: Who to Meet

• 6-point checklist:
  • Who (ask host for list beforehand)
  • When to show up, leave (ask host)
  • Why (real agenda - help host)
  • How to keep in touch
  • Where is the collective mind
  • How am I going to follow up
    • How, when, if

71: Munching or Mingling

• Don’t hold food or drink at a party

72: Rubberneck the Room

• Stop at the door and diagnose
• Identify 2-3 people / groups

73: Be the Chooser, Not the Choosee

• “Hi I’m X, I wanted to talk to you”
• (Compliment)
• Innocuous question:
  • “How do you know the host?”
  • “Do you live here or visiting?”

74: Come-Hither Hands

• Wrist + hands up

75: Tracking

• Track their lives
• Bring up small details / notes from previous convo

76: The Business Card Dossier

• Write notes on business card

77: Eyeball Selling

• Be constantly picking up body language cues, adjusting sale
• Eg. if arms closed, show something on phone

9: Subtleties

78: See No Bloopers, Hear No Bloopers

• No one likes to be reminded of their own human frailty

79: Lend a Helping Tongue

• Recover others’ sentences

80: Bare the Buried WIIFM (and WIIFY)

• What’s in it for me?
• “If an hour of your valuable time is available in return for lunch at a great restaurant” - “choose the date and best restaurant in your neighborhood”

81: Let ’Em Savor the Favor

• Wait 24h+ before cashing the favor

82: Tit for (Wait... Wait) Tat

• Generous tit for tat - unspoken and delayed

83: Parties Are for Pratter

• Don’t confront at parties

84: Dinner’s for Dining

• No tough business during dining

85: Chance Encounters Are for Chitchat

• Safe havens (eg. grocery store)

86: Empty Their Tanks

• Let people have their say first before presenting your ideas

87: Echo the Emo

• Emotions > facts
• Echo their emotions

88: My Goof, Your Gain

• When you mess up, make sure your victim benefits (gracious)

89: Leave an Escape Hatch

• Show grace

90: Buttercups for Their Boss

• “Wow! What’s your bosses name? They should get a letter of congratulations for hiring you! You really try harder for your customers.”

91: Lead the Listeners

• Cool cats clap first
• Inaugurate the applause
• Show that you trust your own instincts

92: The Great Scorecard in the Sky

• Top vs bottom dog
• Any two people have an invisible score card
• Actions → habits → character → destiny