Summary

Daniel Goleman introduces emotional intelligence (EQ) in relation to the intelligence quotient (IQ) and explains how the former is more critical to success in contemporary society. Emotional intelligence can be split into five domains: 1) self-awareness of metacognition and meta-mood, 2) managing emotions via temperance, 3) self motivation via delayed gratification and hope, 4) recognizing emotions in others via empathic mirroring and non-verbal cueing, and 5) relationship management via self-management and empathy. Goleman closes out the book by offering tips for better understanding ourselves, managing emotions, and using empathy to better understand the feelings of those around us.

“There is perhaps no psychological skill more fundamental than resisting impulse - it is the root of all emotional self-control”

“Anyone can become angry – that is easy. But to be angry at the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right amount of time, for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not easy”
- Aristotle

Key Takeaways

• Emotional intelligence (EQ) is more important than IQ in which only 20% of success is attributable to
• Emotional highjacking: neural takeover by amygdala / old brain
  • Emotional brain is connected to all parts of neocortex, immense power over functioning of rest of brain
  • Emotional distress can decrease working memory capacity, “can’t think straight”
• The 5 domains of emotional intelligence:
  • Self-awareness: blanket term for metacognition (thought processes) and meta-mood (emotions)
    • Gut feeling, not rationality, is needed for a large set of decisions
    • Possible to detach emotions from cause, response
  • Managing emotions: need to strike a balance; temperance: restraining of emotional excess
    • Stress lowers anger trigger point: seek distractions, avoid triggers, and wait it out
    • Cures for melancholy: Socializing, arousal state incompatible with sadness, downward comparisons
  • Self motivation: delayed gratification: prioritizing long-term goals over impulse, flow state
    • Sweet spot for anxiety that leads to optimal test, general performance
    • Hope and optimism are more indicative of success than IQ
  • Recognizing emotions in others: empathic calmness; non-verbal: 90%+ of emotional message is non-verbal
    • Mirroring mood + energy level demonstrates understanding
  • Handling relationships: controlling emotional signals via self-management and empathy
    • Social chameleon: champions at making a good impression but have few stable / satisfying relationships
    • Interpersonal skills: organizing groups, negotiating solutions, personal connection, social analysis / sensing feelings
    • Observe group, make matching impression, only act once accepted
• Leadership: Attack the action and not the person, praise effort (growth mindset)

1: The emotional brain

1: What are emotions for?

• IQ vs EQ/EI as alternative way to measure intelligence
• Emotional intelligence is increasingly important in higher-rung jobs
• Aspects of EI: self control, zeal, persistence, intrinsic drive
• Emotion is an evolutionary trait, has physical effects on body for survival
• Emotional (type I), rational (type II) minds
• Emotional brain is connected to all parts of neocortex, immense power over functioning of rest of brain

2: Anatomy of an emotional hijacking

• Amygdala: emotional center of brain
• Emotional highjacking: neural takeover by amygdala / old brain
• Type 1, emotional thought allows for a quick response
• Emotional distress can decrease working memory capacity, “can’t think straight”
• Need to find the right balance of emotion

2: Nature of emotional intelligence

3: When smart is dumb

• Only 20% of success attributable to IQ
• Interpersonal intelligence: (social) ability to understand other people
  • How to motivate them, cooperate
• Intrapersonal intelligence: ability to form an accurate emotional model of oneself
• 5 domains:
  • Self-awareness: knowing own emotion
  • Managing emotions
  • Motivating oneself: flow state
  • Recognizing emotions in others
  • Handling relationships

4: Self-awareness

• Metacognition: aware of own thought processes
• Meta-mood: aware of own emotions
• Self-awareness: blanket term for ↑
• How much does one tune in to distress?
• Possible to feel emotions but not be able to attribute to cause
• Gut feeling, not rationality, is needed for a large set of decisions (marry, trust, job)
• Somatic marker: emotion as change in body + brain states that bias behavior / decisions
• Both concisions and unconscious emotion

5: Managing emotions

• Temperance: retraining of emotional excess
• Three styles for handling emotion: engulfed, accepting, self-aware (optimal)
• Stress / adrenocortical arousal lowers trigger for what provokes anger
• Seek distractions, avoid triggers, and wait it out to tamper down anger (go on a walk)
• Cures for melancholy:
  • Socializing
  • Putting brain in arousal state incompatible with sadness
  • Downward comparisons

6: The master aptitude

• “There is perhaps no psychological skill more fundamental than resisting impulse - it is the root of all emotional self-control”
• Long-term goals versus impulse
• Sweet spot for anxiety that leads to optimal test, general performance
• Hope + optimism more indicative of success than IQ
• Flow state

7: Recognizing emotion in others

• 90%+ of emotional message is non-verbal
• Mirroring mood + energy level demonstrates understanding
• Calmness required for empathy

8: Handling relationships

• Self-management and empathy critical to managing relationships
• Coordination of moods is critical
• Interpersonal skills:
  • Organizing groups
  • Negotiating solutions
  • Personal connection
  • Social analysis (sensing feelings)
• Social chameleon: champions at making a good impression
  • Make a good impression but have few stable / satisfying relationships
• Observe group, make matching impression, only act once accepted

3: Emotional intelligence applied

9: Intimate enemies

• Sex differences in emotion largely due to adolescence and social environment
• Husbands more optimistic, wives are more vocal about complaints
• When critiquing, need to attack action rather than person
• Flooding: rise in heart rate by 10 bpm
• Takes 20 minutes to recover from anger

10: Managing with heart

• “Leadership is the art of persuading people to work towards a common goal”
• Thoughtless criticism destroys relationships, erodes morale / motivation
• Good critique: what has been and can be done, in person, sensitive

11: Mind and medicine

• Emotions have physical effects
• Linked to worse health, more disease:
  • Chronic anxiety, stress, depression
  • Hopelessness, pessimism, passivism
  • Social isolation, no strong ties

4: Windows of opportunity

12: The family crucible

• Children with emotionally intelligent parents fare better all around

13: Trauma and emotional relearning

• Trauma is over-activated amygdala triggering vivid emotional memory
• PTSD: Trauma with helplessness
• Trauma can be relearned by neocortex overriding amygdala’s response
• Relive entire memory in vivid detail to re-associate and overwrite

14: Temperament is not destiny

• Born with an innate temperament
• Introvert vs extrovert
• Cheerful vs melancholic
• Critical period in the first couple of years of development where somewhat malleable

5: Emotional literacy

15: The cost of emotional illiteracy

• Generations are becoming less emotionally literate - heightened depression, issues
• Reasons:
  • Erosion of nuclear family
  • Parents spending less time at home
• Growth mindset beneficial
• Social status in 3rd grade is best predictor of mental health at 18, future issues

16: Schooling the emotions

• Schools needs to teach emotional intelligence since families increasingly can’t

Appendix

• Emotion: a feeling and it’s distinctive thoughts
• Anger, sadness, fear, enjoyment, love, surprise, disgust, shame
• Emotions triggered before consciously aware, only actually last a few seconds

Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young - Chicago Tribune